What helps us make it through?
We have had many crises in our lives. Some call us to stretch beyond what we imagined we could do and, after-the-fact, catapulted us to a higher level of development. When my husband had a stroke, I wondered how we could possibly live through each day and lose our active lives of hiking, kayaking, backpacking, and spontaneously traveling the world. Many said, “I just couldn’t do that.” Well, yes you could and yes you would, to stay engaged in the world by re-creating a new normal. We learned to travel globally by being more planful than spontaneous; we opened to the pleasures of good jazz and theater; we learned to be in our beautiful Colorado Rockies in quiet, more reflective ways. With my daughter and other friends, I took active trips to swim with the seals in the Galapagos, to hike the Camino de Santiago, to wander through Iceland. I learned patience, pace with grace, planning, and meeting needs in a broader way.
In so doing, our family learned to leverage Brutal Facts AND Hope.
If we learn deeply from crises, we move beyond either/or thinking to use both/and thinking. In the former, we either live life just like we want OR we wither into anger and then despair. With both/and thinking we confront our new realities AND maintain optimism. And so, it is with our current global pandemic which is calling us to pay attention, suffer, and grow.
Notice some either/or responses that signal blindness to brutal facts and descent into pessimism and aloneness.
“This is a hoax.”
“We’re safe even if the rest of the world is not.”
“This a good way to thin out the aging population.”
“Oh, the virus is here but I’ll do just what I want. It won’t affect me.”
“I’m a hero; I’ll defeat the virus.”
“Oh, it is spreading, but not in my area.”
“It is spreading in my area, but I’m young.”
“It is affecting people I care about. This may be real.”
“This is real and I’m scared and we’re doomed. I can’t imagine living like this.”
“It’s every person for him/herself. Buy all the toilet paper.”
What if we think Both/And?
“Yes, we have a virus that is affecting others. It could affect me.”
“I’m noticing the quick spread of the virus.”
“We must act now as we learn from others. What are our resources? How can I get accurate information?”
“I’m scared. How do I maintain some sense of sanity in this chaos?”
“It’s now REALLY all of us together. I can’t just act like I want.”
“How can I take care of myself and others? No panic buying. Check the neighbors. Feed the kids who don’t have school lunches. Learn how to home school my children. Find new ways of working and connecting. Email, text, skype, zoom.”
We can also remember how we have maintained hope in hard times and notice how others cope and thrive #HowToImplement :
Acknowledge feelings, all of them, and know they are transitory
Remember that vulnerability and strength sit side by side and need each other
Step into nature: it renews
Listen to music
Learn from silence via meditation: books and friends can teach you
See the beauty, however small, in everything
Read about how others have managed through crises (ones as horrible as concentration camps and natural disasters)
Find funny movies/songs/books
Have zoom cocktail parties and family meetings
Watch treasured movies just to enjoy or, as we do, follow with zoom pop quizzes about the movie
Participate in the myriad of webinars and videos that provide information and humor
Feel health in helping others
Connect with your networks to seek help in things like homeschooling
Participate in neighborhood activities like ‘bear hunts’
Notice that each of us will always be individuals and now we know we need community to survive and thrive: self and other are not opposites.
Have you ever said, “If I only had time, I would….”
All of us have. And as one friend said, I’ve discovered that cleaning my closet is not about time. What is it about? What stops us from moving into new places and spaces?
One has to do with cultural values. We prefer activity to rest, doing over being, productivity more than reflection, control more than receptivity, and individual identity over collective well-being. These values run deep and even if you feel the pull toward the other value, you may be judged by others and self. “I don’t know who I am when I’m not working, producing….” “I serve no purpose.”
A second has to do with our individual identities. “I am a tough customer and can outwit adversity.” “People who work hard are good; not those who wander around in fields of flowers.” “I am an exciting person and should not be bored.”
When personal and/or collective crises uncover what makes us tick, most often we become anxious and uncertain. However, there is an opportunity if we will only let awareness emerge and risk expanding ourselves. We can grieve the losses AND open to new possibilities for ourselves, country, and globe. We can look reality right in the eye AND maintain hope. With both, we find alternatives, re-center in community, and use our innovative minds for a new future.
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