In trying times, our communication patterns are magnified. Those who have good communication usually up their game, being conscious and careful about their impact on their partners, friends, and family. There are of course slips when people are tired and worried but there also is a quick correction.
Those who have shaky communication, may find their communication gets more ragged during Covid.
What is good communication?
First, communication is based on self-awareness. You have enough emotional IQ to identify your emotions, sort out which ones are part of the immediate situation and which ones are triggers from the past. For example, your partner may invade your space where you are trying to concentrate; you are annoyed, and you find a direct and diplomatic way to ask him/her to honor your time and space. There’s no escalation that they, therefore, are an inconsiderate, stupid person. A clear request, discussed and negotiated if needed. Present tense.
On the other hand, an old hurt, unhealed feeling leads to a bigger story. The other IS stupid, selfish, intentionally hurtful and therefore you need to shut down, put your feelings into a trash compacter which will then blow over an inconsequential action. Your friend fails to say ‘hello,’ doesn’t pick up their glass, suggests another night of board games, and you blow. A litany of past offenses is dumped. The dumper feels good temporarily and the dumpee is dumbfounded. The other may dump their own resentments, creating a game of uproar. Or they may avoid the situation and the conditions for the next explosion are set.
We’ve all done this at times and a healing conversation involves separating the perceived hurts, apologizing and forgiving if needed, and creating a plan to prevent reoccurrences.
Second, good communication integrates direct and diplomatic styles. Direct so that you know what the other is saying or requesting and diplomatic so that difficult things can more easily be heard. Remember, if you over-do direct, you become a bully; and if you over-do diplomatic, no one knows that you’re saying.
Integration: “I’ve told you that I need two hours of uninterrupted time. I know you are stressed now and likely forgot. This is just a reminder and I would appreciate your cooperation.”
Direct overdone: “You can’t remember anything ad you must think I don’t matter.”
Diplomatic overdone: “I know that you are busy and may not know what I need but if you could just think about what we’ve discussed many times and help me out if you’re not too worried about work. But if you are, I understand….” Or perhaps saying nothing at all and feeding the trash compactor.
Third, good communication focuses on self and other. I know what I need and I care about what you need and want. Over-focus on self does become selfishness (extreme is narcissism) and an over-focus on ‘other’ means you become a doormat.
Fourth, good communication focuses on intent and impact. Your intent may be to communicate your love to the other but you have not discerned the other’s love language.
Often, we give what we want to get. Consider gift giving. Tickets to a concert for an artist your partner loves but you don’t. Not the intended impact!
Gary Chapman distinguishes five love languages: Word of Affirmations, Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. If you give a Gift and your significant other wants Quality Time to feel loved, you may feel hurt or resentful that your Gift was not excitedly accepted and the other may feel unknown and also hurt or angry. The intent of giving and receiving love has had a destructive impact.
In this case, you can discuss what love language(s) you prefer to align the intent and impact.
Fifth, good communication is being as open as possible given the situation. Researchers Joe Luft and Harry Ingram created the JoHari window to guide open communication.
Communication is clearest in the Open arena—we both know what’s going on. All of us have blindspots and quirks. As that area increases, Openness decreases, and you are chronically surprised by your impact on others. “What do you mean I slurp my coffee?” The anti-dote is feedback to other.
If your Hidden area increases, Openness decreases. ‘Hidden’ doesn’t mean deep dark secrets but rather what you want and need is hidden from others. Others don’t know how to respond to you and give you what you need. The antidote is self-disclosure.
Finally, ‘Unknown to All ‘is the unconscious. The less self-aware you are, the bigger this area and the smaller the other areas. Now we are back at the first requirement for good communication: self-awareness. This comes through such things as listening to consistent feedback, counseling, dreamwork, reflective activities like journaling, personal retreats, and coaches.
This could be a good time to notice your patterns and practice good Covid Communication.
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