I love the mixture of informal with the formal that the Covid-19 virus has mandated. Putting on our game face and being true to our brand in a persona-driven culture have made us one dimensional - beautiful cut-outs of the ideal American. Appearances are important but when over-done we all seem like ‘Stepford Wives.’
(Images left to right: Cheers at the end of a work day, Post Massage, Post tour in Vietnam.)
One starts to wonder: Who is back there? What are the intentions of the person? How do you trust when you have no depth of understanding of others?
Often, we nitpick everything said and done because we’re trying to understand what is really going on. This works to protect ourselves in case others reveal themselves as only caring about self and not others. That’s not paranoia. We have powerful leaders who insist one thing is true when the lies are more than evident and impact life and death. This nitpicking also means that we feel better about our own perceived shortcomings.
We have so compartmentalized our lives and protected our images that when we don’t measure up to public perfection, we lose esteem. We wonder why we can’t be perfect even knowing that published pictures have been so airbrushed that images are unreal. Public perfection affects health habits: judging self for not working out enough or failing to achieve the Jason Momoa or Charlize Theron body when we do hit the gym regularly. Young women and men turn to plastic surgery to get the ‘look.’ We spend money we don’t have on clothes, cosmetics, jewelry, and supplements to be included in some idealized group. Adolescents commit suicide when bullied about their appearances.
The search for perfection is not just about beauty. Do we look artistic enough, charitable enough, young enough? Quakerly enough? (yes, even Quakers have a standard image. Not pictured).
When we spend time and energy on self directed tear downs of “enoughness” we lose talent that comes in all forms. When people of color act white, we miss truth-telling styles. When women imitate men, we lose leadership qualities of caring and nurturing. Any time people are emulating others we loose their authentic personal touch. (This does not mean that people are safe to be themselves due to power imbalance. It is expressing sadness at the loss for everyone due to the loss the individual experiences.) Because there are elements we lop off of ourselves without societal pressure because we put the pressure on ourselves.
The necessity of sheltering in place shows us where real people live with their animals and partners; their hair growing bushy and no make-up artists to make each a model. Communication changes with a relaxed persona. We say ‘regular’ stuff like Jake Gyllenhaal on the Stephen Colbert show focusing on sourdough starters and saying the interview would interest about ten people; expert doctors interrupted by their darling dogs; serious reporters made to laugh as their cats wonder across their computer screens. We see cute but rambunctious kids acting like our own when bored and cooped up. We see others’ stress when a family member gets sick or public figures exhausted when the virus demands sterilizing their homes while homeschooling their kids. Some authentic folks accentuate the informal like tying up their hair on top of their heads and talk about new hair styles. We wonder on social media about our true hair color after months of isolation. We send pictures of how fat we’ll be when snacking has taken its toll. We are creative in how we socialize, declaring that the dress for the outdoor social hour will be sweats since none can button their jeans. We laugh at how human we are.
Once again, Mother Earth has dealt a harsh reminder. Get human, stay human in all our dimensions. Deep authenticity means that we can have both a nice appearance that is uniquely our own and transparency of our lives that mirror the sorrows and joys of all humans.
Share a pic of how you are doing with a friend. Doesn’t have to be on social media. Does have to be one you take and send without re-taking multiple times.
Share with one person how you are really doing. Can be good. Can be gray. Can be bad. Just share. They don't have to fix it and you can ask them to just listen.
Look at a social media pic and celebrate the person. Don’t compare with them. Just celebrate. Let them know you think they are doing great! They may need to hear that.
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